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Pulling a half G on the Andygraph!

Thursday, 8 April 2010

Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I like a drink. I’ve had a mixed relationship with alcohol over the years but consider myself on fairly friendly terms with the stuff these days. It’s only comparatively recently however that I have discovered the joys of drinking wine.

I’d always considered wine to be a bit too middle class for the likes of me, put off by the snobbery and elitism that surrounds it. I just want a drink that tastes nice, I don’t really want to dissect the experience.

It’s not that I have anything against people that do, that’s their choice and I understand perfectly the desire to analyse and evangelise something that you love. Just try to have a conversation with me about films. It’s just something I haven’t the inclination to care too deeply about.

Wine snobs are insufferable. Who cares what the soil conditions were like when the grapes were growing or which region is famed for what? The only thing I worry about with wine is if it’s nice to drink or not. That’s why I invented the Andygraph.

The simple fact of the matter is this. All wine eventually tastes good if you drink enough of it. Regardless of how much like antifreeze it tastes, after enough of it you will not only no longer notice it’s bad but will start to genuinely believe it’s good. Some people might try to deny this but the fact remains that if you persevere with enough quantity of any wine of any calibre I guarantee you it will eventually seem very drinkable. This is where the Andygraph comes in.

The premise is simple. Using a 125ml glass as the basic unit (or one “G”) the Andygraph measures the precise number of G’s you have to consume before the wine can officially be called drinkable. The finest of fine wines should be a big fat zero on the Andygraph, tasting like the elixir of the gods from the first sip. In a real world example, the Canarian red wine I was drinking on holiday (that they kept in the fridge!) was hitting around 6 or 7 G’s on the Andygraph. It is possible after the initial tasting to estimate a wine at a high G rating only to discover that it is several G’s lower on the Andygraph than originally predicted but it is impossible for the reverse to be true.

It’s on responsible to point out that the Andygraph is a bit like flying a fighter jet – pull too many G’s and it’s highly likely you will lose consciousness and suffer potentially permanent damage. Caution is recommended!

The pure joy of this system of rating wine is that it requires no specialist knowledge, no years of research into wine making and the effects of various factors on it’s flavour. All you need is a bottle of wine and some tastebuds. It’s other great benefit is that it is transferable to other varieties of alcoholic beverages. The next step for me is to research the effects of food on the G rating of wine and try to incorporate this into the Andygraph. It’ll be hard work I’m sure, drinking a variety of wines in combination with a broad selection of fine foods, but I think I’m up to the task.

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